It is 3:00 in the morning, and I can't sleep. This is nothing new for me. I am usually wide awake at strange hours of the night, but I don't usually want to write this late. The later it gets, the more obnoxiously bright and painful a computer screen becomes. However, tonight is different. My eyes are already growing sick of the glowing screen, but my mind is far too wild to be put to bed at the moment. So here I sit in bed with a sleeping dog next to me, my painfully bright laptop, and a million thoughts running through my head that need a home (that isn't my brain) so that I can get some sleep.
Do you ever get in those moods where you don't feel like yourself because somehow you have managed to lose your passion and drive, even for just a second? Well I do. For the past several days, I have felt like I am missing something very important in my life. I had lost my motivation to go out and do things, and all I wanted to do was sleep and avoid all contact with people. But I finally realized today what I have been missing. My drive, motivation, and passion all came rushing back once I figured it out. I need food.
Now I am not starving or anything like that. I am getting plenty to eat, but I still need food. I do not need it for sustenance, or for any reason pertaining to the health of the human body. I need food to cook. I need food to feed my need to be creative. I need food to bring the people around me together. I need food to bring order and warmth back into my home. I need food to put the spark back in my life, and light the flame that fires up my motivation. It is probably strange to find all of that just from food, but I have been known to be a pretty strange person. However, being able to see food as something to experience, rather than simply something needed by the body, makes it special.
Food gives us the chance to bring joy to other people. When cooking, the key ingredient in every recipe is emotion. For me, it is impossible to step into the kitchen and cook without putting my passion and emotions into what I create. That does not mean that everything coming out of my kitchen is good. Sometimes the things I create are ghastly and horrible, but I still pour my feelings into them. I once ended up in tears after going through 5 unsuccessful batches of pie dough. Of course, the failed dough was only part of my dismay, but it was the part that allowed me to work through whatever issue I had been dealing with at the time. Having something completely and utterly fail in the kitchen gives me a chance to let go of some of my stress. However, cooking also brings out the best emotions, not just stress.
I honestly believe that, over the span of my life, I have laughed and smiled more in the kitchen than anywhere else in the world. Whenever I am at my happiest, all I want to do is cook a large meal for all of the people I'm closest with. It perpetuates my joy. I am so thankful that I was able to grow up in a family where so much time was spent with food. I learned early on that food isn't just about eating. Food is about bringing people together, letting out anger or stress, and creating an environment where everything is okay. It truly is a powerful thing.
I am so glad that I have had so much support from the people in my life. I have figured out how to get the passion and drive back in my life, even though it was only gone for one small blip. All it took was my boyfriend suggesting that I find a long-term project and then asking me "what do you want to do?" As soon as he said that, I knew immediately that I wanted to cook. That is all I want to do, and that is what I'm going to do. I don't plan to do anything like cooking all of Julia Child's recipes and blogging about them, but I am planning on throwing myself into cooking again.
But it may be best to start tomorrow. It is now 4:00 in the morning. The longer this post goes on, the worse the writing becomes. I am finally starting to feel sleepy, and this computer screen seems to be getting brighter. So goodnight, everyone. Until next time.
-Emily
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